A friend gently reminded me today that I haven't written on here in a while. Just another on my long list of things to be disappointed in myself about. And trust me, it's a loooong list. Frustrated mother. Frazzled wife. Failing body. But really, nothing is worse than my complete and utter lack of spiritual discipline. I had the privilege of having 18 years (yes, 18) of formal, Christ-centered education. Not to mention the countless Bible studies I've sat through in my lifetime. If anybody should be further along on this journey, it's me.
And yet, I've come to a place on the path that is more difficult than any I've traveled before. It's a brutal, seemingly unending climb up where the path is rocky and covered in thorn bushes. It's called . . . wait for it . . . parenthood. And then, on top of that -- I've hit those middle aged years. No matter how hard I try, I will not ever look like I did 20 years ago. As it turns out, I will not be the only human alive that never ages. Then, to add to that even, is this disease called fibromyalgia. So misunderstood by so many. (No, it's not a catch-all diagnosis for anybody with muscle aches.) It can be brutal and debilitating at times. It can make me sad.
My dad shared with me about a co-worker who experienced something similar (although his was a mental illness) that came out of nowhere and shattered his world. For several years, this man struggled to find a correct diagnosis and treatment. But when it was over, and he was able to look back on the lessons of it all -- he said something profound. He compared his illness with Christ's death -- and his new and restored health with the resurrection we experience in Christ. But when asked where he was in those in between years, he thoughtfully answered -- "safely buried."
I feel safely buried right now. Sometimes, a sadness will rise up -- I don't even have words for a prayer. But I have a Savior. I know He's there. I know He loves me. Today, in the shower, I asked myself -- How do you know He's there? How do you know that He's not so disappointed in you that He didn't just leave? And, for the first time in a long time, the answer was so simple -- and I believed it (again). He died for me. (I mean, really, would He die if He didn't care?) Me. The mother who can't seem to keep her patience with one particular 7 year old. The wife who forgets to put on a smile -- let alone makeup -- for her husband when he comes home. The child who forgets to take it all to her Abba Father. Me.
This is great. You are an awesome writer and I love reading what you share. Don't be down on yourself about your spiritual progress. I am always reminding my children that the word REMEMBER is in the Bible many, many times. I'm sure Christ knew we needed to be constantly reminded so maybe that's why we get to read that word so much. For some dang reason we just need to be reminded each and every moment that we are Daughters of the King. It's not easy to do with busy lives. No excuses though. It's just the way we are. Maybe as adults we need to practice Charlotte Mason's words, "I am, I can, I will." Changing our mind habits and focusing in on what's really important is key. Haha, I'm definitely NOT one to talk. Talk is cheap and I need to practice what I preach.
ReplyDeletesmiles
Your post brought tears to my eyes, dear friend. Oh, how I have been there (and amazingly, so many of us moms have!). Parenting is the toughest job on the planet. It's not a job where you can leave at 5 pm and return the next day at 8 am.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can SO relate to your fibromyalgia pain and discomfort. I, too, deal with pain every single day. Though I have not undergone a laparoscopy, all indicators point to endometriosis. Low energy. Pain everywhere. Stiff joints. You name it...I've got it. Been dealing with this for the last 12 plus years. And yes, I will never look like I did in college. This really bothered me for many years. I worked as a personal trainer in two gyms before I started having pain - and slowly but surely my body changed into something I didn't recognize. Disheartening. Discouraging. Frustrating. Lots of tears. Lots of anger at times. I still fight this every single day.
We ARE Daughters of the King - so true, mommyx12!! You, my dear, are His pride and joy. He laughs when you laugh. He cries when you cry. His heart fills with joy when you turn to Him in those hard moments. He loves you ever so deeply!
Keep sharing. For me, it helps to get my words out -- whether in my journal or blogging - a sense of release there. I will be praying for you -
One minute at a time...cherish each minute...that's the blessing of homeschooling. No agenda. Your kids will cherish your sacrifice all their lives.
Love you!
Thanks Tricia and Liz! Your encouragement means so much! And you BOTH are great writers, too!!! Keep up the blogging! I'm enjoying both of them!!!!!
ReplyDelete